Effects of domestic violence on kids

Question: I am choosing to stay with my husband even though he has degraded me, yelled at me, and hit me in front of the kids. Others have told me to leave him because of the possible effects of domestic abuse on them. What are the effects of domestic violence on children?
Answer: Children react in a variety of ways to witnessing domestic violence in their homes. They are likely to experience a great deal of internal stress which they are not free to express. The stress may show as physical symptoms such as bed-wetting, insomnia, ulcers, headaches, abdominal complaints, and self-abusive behaviors.
Some children react to stress through changes in their own behaviors, such as overeating or not eating at all. Others may display emotional symptoms and problems such as increased anxiety, depression, guilt, and confusion.
Younger children may feel responsible for the abuse. In their “magical thinking” a child might believe that if he/she had been a good boy/girl, Daddy wouldn’t hit Mommy.
The children may experience constant anxiety because of the unpredictability of when the next incident of abuse may occur. They may believe that they are not safe.
Children may also experience ambivalence, loving and hating the abuser at the same time. They may be confused and angry at their mother for not protecting herself from the abuse, while feeling protective of her.
A child separated from the abuser, may grieve the loss of contact with the parent and the loss of a lifestyle that had become familiar to them.
Some children develop a need for excessive adult attention. Younger children may be very needy, holding on to adults for attention and reassurance.
Older children may be ashamed and embarrassed and may isolate themselves from friends. They may be afraid of inviting friends to their home.
When upset, children tend to act out their distress rather than talk about it. Preschoolers (birth to 5) may express their feelings by experiencing physical complaints such as stomachache, bed-wetting, whining, and have difficulty sleeping.
Six to 12 year olds may hang around the home to “protect” Mom. They may fear abandonment or fear being killed.
Teenagers may have more tendencies to run away from home, become involved with drugs and alcohol, have suicidal thoughts and actions, or become involved in criminal activities.
Many children learn that violence is a way to solve problems. These children may become behavior problems in the home and at school. The cycle of violence is likely to continue from one generation to the next.
It is clear that in most cases of domestic violence, children of different ages experience some form of turmoil and pain. Children are not immune from the effects of domestic abuse within the home. A parent that has been abused by their spouse should seriously consider the short and long term effects on themselves and their children before deciding to stay in the relationship. Therapeutic programs for abusive males are also available if that person is willing to seek help.
Mark Skrien is a licensed psychologist, licensed marriage and family therapist, and former clinic director at the South Central Human Relations Center in Owatonna. Steele Talkin’ is a regular column featuring authors representing various organizations throughout Steele County.